Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure
I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second
old lady replies, "I suque' a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
************************************************************************
*****************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber
she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two
big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked,
"I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
about."
************************************************************************
********************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
Florida Adult community.
A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
************************************************************************
********************************
Another two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called
her.
First, he explained that he didn't rem ember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,
he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*************************
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * .'"
, MORRIS PAIN FULLY GETS UP ON STOOL AT THE ICECREAM COUNTER
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress
asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
"LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT----KIND OF LIKE PLAY-DOH
These guys and the bowery boys were great.
Abbott and Costello sell computers
On…..
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch,
“Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks.? I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m
thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.? I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know.? What will I see when I look at the
windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.? I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer!? I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.? Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!? OK, let’s just
say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do
I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows ?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W” .
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with
some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping?? You have
Dear Mom And Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and
rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and
also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty
hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swim ming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim,
and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take
the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working
on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet
works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that
way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some
more beer. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine.
Love, Chris
March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 September 2007 August 2007 July 2007 June 2007 May 2007 April 2007