Jarasans Blog

Just the facts.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

 

Funnies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
 lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure
 I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second
 old lady replies, "I suque' a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
 lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 ************************************************************************
 *****************
 Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
 reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
 demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber
 she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
 used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two
 big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked,
 "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
 about."
 ************************************************************************
 ********************
  A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
 Florida Adult community.
  A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench.
 After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
  He replies, "I lived here years ago."
  "So, where were you all these years?"
  "In prison," he says.
 "Why did they put you in prison?"
  He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
  "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

 ************************************************************************
 ********************************
 Another two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and
 she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
 was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
 The two were at the same table, across from one another.  As the meal
 went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
 courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
 After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes.
 Yes, I will!"
 The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
 their respective places.

 Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
 'no'?" He couldn't remember.  Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
 even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called
 her.

 First, he explained that he didn't rem ember as well as he used to.
 Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,
 he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
 did you say 'No'?"

 He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
 I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
 you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 *************************
  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  .'"

 , MORRIS PAIN FULLY  GETS  UP ON  STOOL AT THE ICECREAM COUNTER
 After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress
 asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

  "No," he replied, "arthritis."
 "LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT----KIND OF LIKE PLAY-DOH


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

 

Acceptable behavior.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
 
      Dear Dogs and Cats,
 
      The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
      The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
 
      I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

      It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 
      For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
 
      The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
 
      To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
      1. They live here. You don't.
      2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
      3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
      4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
      Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
      1. Eat less
      2. Don't ask for money all the time
      3  Are easier to train
      4. Normally come when called
      5. Never ask to drive the car
      6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
      7. Don't smoke or drink
      8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
      9. Don't want to wear your clothes
      10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
          And finally,
      11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

 


Monday, August 13, 2007

 

Abbott & Costello sell computers.

      These guys and the bowery boys were great.

     

      Abbott and Costello sell computers

      You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
      old  to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.? For
      those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read

      On…..

      If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
      sketch,
      “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

      COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

      ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
      COSTELLO: Thanks.? I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m
      thinking about buying a computer.
      ABBOTT: Mac?
      COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
      ABBOTT: Your computer?
      COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.? I want to buy one.
      ABBOTT: Mac?
      COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
      ABBOTT: What about Windows?
      COSTELLO: Why?? Will it get stuffy in here?
      ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
      COSTELLO: I don’t know.? What will I see when I look at the
      windows?
      ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

      COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.? I need a computer and software.
      ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
      COSTELLO: No. On the computer!? I need something I can use to
      write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?        
      ABBOTT: Office.
      COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.? Can you recommend anything?
      ABBOTT: I just did.
      COSTELLO: You just did what?
      ABBOTT: Recommend something.
      COSTELLO: You recommended something?
      ABBOTT: Yes.
      COSTELLO: For my office?
      ABBOTT: Yes.
      COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
      ABBOTT: Office.
      COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
      ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

      COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!? OK, let’s just
      say  I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do
      I need?
      ABBOTT: Word.
      COSTELLO: What word?
      ABBOTT: Word in Office.
      COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
      ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
      COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows ?
      ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W” .
      COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with
      some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping?? You have

           anything I can track my money with?
      ABBOTT: Money.
      COSTELLO: That’s right.? What do you have?
      ABBOTT: Money.
      COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
      ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
      COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
      ABBOTT: Money.
      COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
      ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
      COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?? How much?
      ABBOTT: One copy.
      COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
      COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
      ABBOTT: Why not?? THEY OWN IT!

      (A few days later)

      ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.? Can I help you?
      COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
      ABBOTT: Click on “START”.............


Monday, August 6, 2007

 

Letter from camp.

Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are okay.  Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of  us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and
rescue jeeps.  It was neat.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him.

 Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and
also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus  that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us  ride on the fenders. It gets  pretty
hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there  are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swim ming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith  wouldn't let me because I can't swim,
and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take
the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working
on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we  got to see how a tourniquet
works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that
way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.


He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time.  By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some
more  beer. Don't worry about  anything.

We are fine.
Love, Chris


Archives

March 2021   February 2021   January 2021   December 2020   November 2020   October 2020   September 2020   August 2020   July 2020   June 2020   May 2020   April 2020   March 2020   February 2020   January 2020   December 2019   November 2019   October 2019   September 2019   August 2019   July 2019   June 2019   May 2019   April 2019   March 2019   February 2019   January 2019   December 2018   November 2018   October 2018   September 2018   August 2018   July 2018   June 2018   May 2018   April 2018   March 2018   February 2018   January 2018   December 2017   November 2017   October 2017   September 2017   August 2017   July 2017   June 2017   May 2017   April 2017   March 2017   February 2017   January 2017   December 2016   November 2016   October 2016   September 2016   August 2016   July 2016   June 2016   May 2016   April 2016   March 2016   February 2016   January 2016   December 2015   November 2015   October 2015   September 2015   August 2015   July 2015   June 2015   May 2015   April 2015   March 2015   February 2015   January 2015   December 2014   November 2014   October 2014   September 2014   August 2014   July 2014   June 2014   May 2014   April 2014   March 2014   February 2014   January 2014   December 2013   November 2013   October 2013   September 2013   August 2013   July 2013   June 2013   May 2013   April 2013   March 2013   February 2013   January 2013   December 2012   November 2012   October 2012   September 2012   August 2012   July 2012   June 2012   May 2012   April 2012   March 2012   February 2012   January 2012   December 2011   November 2011   October 2011   September 2011   August 2011   July 2011   June 2011   May 2011   April 2011   March 2011   February 2011   January 2011   November 2010   October 2010   September 2010   August 2010   July 2010   June 2010   May 2010   April 2010   March 2010   February 2010   January 2010   December 2009   November 2009   October 2009   September 2009   August 2009   July 2009   June 2009   May 2009   April 2009   March 2009   February 2009   January 2009   December 2008   November 2008   October 2008   September 2008   August 2008   July 2008   June 2008   April 2008   March 2008   February 2008   January 2008   December 2007   November 2007   September 2007   August 2007   July 2007   June 2007   May 2007   April 2007  

Powered by Lottery PostSyndicated RSS FeedSubscribe