Lottery Post Journal

Short View of History

SHORT VIEW OF HISTORY

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast to live on fish & lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative Movement."

Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of “the Liberal Movement.” Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'

Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are Liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside of a governing body. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and moving on.

5 Comments:

  • That was funny. I think I heard Rush say that on his show, months ago.

    By pacattack05, at 1:37 PM

  • Hilarious.
    Jack

    By Rip Snorter, at 2:15 PM

  • I should also have added, a lot more true than, or at least as true as a lot of what's taught in schools today. Which begs the issue of truth entirely.
    Jack

    By Rip Snorter, at 2:18 PM

  • My point-by-point response is:

    I like beer.
    I like wheels.
    I don't like "sewing, fetching or hair dressing".
    I don't like Arnold's expression of "girley men".
    I do like cats.
    I drink cheap domestic beer, tap water and don't drink wine.
    I like my steaks done medium-rare and don't eat raw fish, tofu or french food.
    I've never dated or married a woman with higher testosterone levels than mine.
    I am a construction worker.
    I do not believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
    My family migrated to America in 1678.
    I don't have an uncontrollable urge to respond to this, however I will.

    I'm just wondering where the independent thinker and voter fits into this scenario?   Are there only conservatives and liberals in this country now? Are the rest of us labeled one or the other?

    By Rick G, at 4:04 PM

  • Rick- It's a generalized, funny story; nothing more. However, according to the story, you're a 95% conservative!

    Seriously, although you're right that people get labelled these days, I think most people have tendencies one way or the other. I think it's pretty clear which tendencies I have. ;-)

    -Todd

    By Todd, at 4:15 PM

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