JOKE OF TODAY

What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?

Who was the first Vice president to resign from office ?

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?

What baseball great hit 660 HR during his regular season career ?

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year

Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?

What is the entertainment name of Melvin Kaminsky ?

A word I know, six letters it contains, subtract one, and twelve remains. What am I ??

What was the 3rd State to ratify the U.S. Constitution ?

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said: "I'll have a shave and a shoeshine."

The barber began to sharpen the old straight edge and lathered the cowboy's face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said: "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied: "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said: "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said: "You tell him. He’s the one shaving you."

What has a bear's nose, a giraffe's tail, a crocodile's stomach and a zebra's legs?

What was the second state to ratify the U. S. Constitution ?

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table.

"For $15, I can read your love line and tell you your romantic future," the mysterious old woman said.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said: "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" the woman asked.

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted: "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from your calluses."

Do you say, "Nine and five is thirteen," or "Nine and five are thirteen"?

African- American _______ received the first patent for a golf tee in ____.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

The girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

What was Tony Bennett"s first No. 1 song ?

"Honey," said a husband to his wife: "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy?" the wife exclaimed: "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that," the man replied.

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" she asked.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 My last half is something that can allow you entrance into a secured area, & I am also a nation. Some people find me tasty. What am I?

Who was the last player to hit at least 40 home runs & steal at least 40 bases in the same season ?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."

What do you do when a 200 pound cat is chasing you?

Ken Jennings is known for his winning streak on what TV game show ?