Good Humor And A Good Laugh Is Very Healthy
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said: "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager: "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant: "You're charged with beating your colleague to death with a hammer."
All of a sudden a voice at the back of the courtroom yells out: "You <snip>!"
The judge says: "You're also charged with beating your supervisor to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out: "You f*cking <snip>!"
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says: "It sure is. For 15 years, I've lived next door to that <snip>, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
See if you can figure out what these words have in common (and don't cheat until you have to). I failed.
1. Banana 2. Dresser 3. Grammar 4. Potato 5. Revive 6. Uneven
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try.... Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
My thunder comes before the lightning; My lightning comes before the clouds; My rain dries all the land it touches. What am I?
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"That will be $7.50, please," says the bartender.
So the hippo gives the bartender his money and starts to sip his beer.
"You know, we don't get very many hippos in here," mutters the bartender.
The hippo replies: "At these prices, it's no wonder!"
While walking down the street I met a man. He tipped his hat and drew his cane and in this riddle I told his name. What is the man’s name?
A mother is driving her young daughter to her friend’s house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks: "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl and says: "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite."
"OK," the little girl says: "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says: "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks: "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Enough of your questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother drops her daughter off and leaves her to play with her friend.
"My mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend, a few moments later.
"All you need to do is look at her driver's license," the friend replies: "It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother: "I know you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds," the little girl says.
The mother is past surprise and shock now: "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.
The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorced."
"Oh really?" the mother asks: "Why is that?"
To which the girl replies: "Because you got an F in sex."
A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said: "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off!"
I am used to bat with, yet I never get a hit.
I am near a ball, yet it is never thrown.
What am I?
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform Widow O'Malley of her husband's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said: "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked: "Tell me: did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
A basket contains 5 apples. Do you know how to divide them among 5 kids so that each one has an apple and one apple stays in the basket?
A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus with his pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady. The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he looked over and simply said: "Golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Four cars come to a four way stop all coming from a different direction. They can't decide who got there first so they all go forward at the same time. They do not crash into each other but all four cars go. How is this possible?
