JOKE OF TODAY

How old is Bruce Jenner ?

"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient: "You only have six months to live."

The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time."

"Okay," the doctor said: "let's make it nine months."

I reach for the sky, but clutch to the ground; sometimes I leave, but I am always around. What am I?

How old is Pat Sajak ?

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said: "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the front doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.

A year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results, a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says: "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man: "I tried that last year and got a 7."

What month has 28 days?

" Smooth Criminal " is a song from what Michael Jackson album ?

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife: "What’s the problem?"

She responds: "My husband suffers from premature e---------"

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires: "Is that true?"

The husband replies: "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."

A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.

How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?

Lorne Greene was the spokesman for what 1970's dog food commercial ?

A farmer who was involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.

"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" asked the counsel for the insurance company.

"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.

"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?"

"Yeah," stammered the farmer, "but..."

"A simple yes or not will suffice," the counsel interrupted quickly.

"Yes," replied the farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact sequence of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.

"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident, my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he came straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. Now, mate, what the hell would you have said to him?"

Jack and Jill are lying on the floor inside the house, dead. They died from lack of water. There is shattered glass next to them. How did they die

Who did Betty Hill claim abducted her & husband, Barney, in 1961 ?

A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was 
rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after 
careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size 
for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size 
for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time 
and talk it over with your wife."

When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring 
sadly at the floor.

"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. 
"My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen!"

I have three USA coins. They are not a quarter, nor a dime, or a penny. It adds up to 60 cents. What are the coins?

Finish the lyric: "Every rose has" ?

One night, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.

After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while: "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

What happens...
Once in lacrosse
Twice in football
But never in baseball?

How many players have hit more than 600 home runs ? Name them .

A policeman watches a group of rowdies leaving a bar. They have all driven off with their cars while the last one of the group is still wavering towards his car and seems to be really drunk. He wants to drive off with his car, too. The policeman thinks: Now I will catch one of the rowdies. So, he stops the man and conducts a breathalyzer. However, the breathalyzer shows no alcohol. The policeman is really surprised and asks the rowdy how this is possible. The rowdy replies: "Today, I am the decoy!"

What has no beginning, end or middle and touches every continent?

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

What do Fiddler Crab with their one large claw?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

What does this rebus represent?

1.Bob drowned Frosted Flakes
2.Joe buried Cap'n Crunch
3.Sarah threw Rice Krispies off a cliff
4.Emily shot Cocoa Puffs