JOKE OF TODAY

What singer-songwriterhad a hit with " Whole Lot Of Shakin Going On " ?

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him: "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies: "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money."

Tom’s mom had four kids: Nickel, Dime, Quarter, and?

Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.

Does Hank Aaron, Ty Cobb, or Babe Ruth have the most career total bases ?

Joe bought a bag of oranges on Monday, and ate a third of them. On Tuesday he ate half of the remaining oranges. On Wednesday he looked in the bag to find he only had two oranges left. How many oranges were originally in the bag?

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

Who had a # 1 hit in 1957 with "Chances Are " ?

How much dirt is in a hole 6 and a half feet wide, 8 feet deep, and 5 feet long

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. 

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"

Who was the host of the TV show "Dance Fever" from 1979 to 1985 ?

What relation would your father's sister's sister-in-law be to you?

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

Who provided the voice the cartoon character Tennessee Tuxedo ?

There was a man one night. He started to run straight forward. Then he turned left. Soon after, he turned left again. Then he started running toward home. When he got home there were 2
masked men waiting for him. Who were they.

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bathrobe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks: "What the hell -- what happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks: "What happened last night? It must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is: "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

1565:A ____ expedition establishes the first permanent European settlement in North America at present-day _______.

I look at you, you look at me, I raise my right, you raise your left. What is this object?

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

What left-handed picther won 253 games for the NY Giants ?

What is it that you can keep after giving it to someone else?

While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her apartment.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"

"No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he, then?", demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

Who had the first night game no-hitter in the American League ?