JOKE OF TODAY

What does man love more than life? Fear more than death or mortal strife? What do the poor have what the rich require And what contented men desire? What does the miser spend the spendthrift save And all men carry to their graves?

A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to
Chicago. She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped
on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably
gives the same reading to Everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never
played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat. Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting
his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed
your flight to Chicago

What was the entertainment name of Virginia McMath ?

What 7 letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

Who succeeded in her third attempt at swimming from the Bahama to Fla.in 1979 ?

How, besides NME, can you spell enemy with 3 letters?

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

When was the last time a president's wife died while he was in office ?

Tom and Sam are twins. Tom was born on the 16^th of May and Sam on the 7^th October.

How can this be?

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his pal what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough, there was the ball. I called out to the lady: "Ma'am, does this look like yours?" And then she hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Pee Wee Reese spent most of his baseball career playing what position ?

Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed by the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know," grinned the patient. "But the nurses formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required 27 stitches."

In 19--,IBM introduced its 1st personal computer, the model ----.

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?

"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honor got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby, walking towards that group, saw a young girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... "
The above passage is taken from the book "Gatsby" written by Ernest Vincent Wright in the late 1930's

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!"

"What happened?", asked the friend.

"My wife found out."

Who played Mumbles in the 1990 film "Dick Tracy ?

They come at night without being called and are lost in the day without being stolen.

burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
       
       He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
       
       This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
       
       He asked, "Did you say that?"
       
       The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."
       
       The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
       
       "Moses."
       
       "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
       
       The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

The year ___ ,Convicted murderer ______ became the first person to be executed in the electric chair.

Hi,

My inbox has been flooded with emails spreading crazy rumors about health reform so I wanted to share some facts from AARP about what's really going on. Please join me in forwarding these facts to everyone you know. Print them out and pass them around at your social gatherings and other places where people are discussing the issues of the day.

FACT #1: Medicare will not be ended, and no benefits or services will be cut.

Your services will not be ended, nor will your benefits be cut. AARP's position on this could not be clearer. And we have sent this message loud and clear to Congress. While the current proposals include savings in Medicare by cutting out fraud, abuse, waste, and inefficiency, we're standing up and making sure benefits for Medicare recipients are not only fully protected, but are improved.¹

FACT #2: No legislation currently in Congress would mandate the rationing of care. Period.

Our staff has read all of the legislation circulating in Congress and there are no provisions in these bills that would ration care for our members. None. If any ever did, we would vigorously fight to stop that legislation.²

FACT #3: There is no provision of any piece of legislation that would promote euthanasia of any kind.

The rumors out there are flat out lies. Right now Medicare does not cover counseling for end-of-life care. The portion of the bill in question would simply provide coverage for optional end-of-life consultations with doctors, so that the patient can be aware of all of the treatment options on the table. It is not mandatory and it has nothing to do with euthanasia.³

FACT #4: We have not endorsed President Obama's plan.

In fact, we haven't endorsed any plan. We are supporting reform of our health care system, something that AARP has pushed for many years. We're working closely with Republican and Democratic members of Congress to lower health care costs and to ensure quality affordable coverage for older Americans – and we want reform legislation passed and signed by the president this year.⁴

So what is AARP fighting for in health reform?

1. Stopping insurance companies from charging older Americans unaffordable premiums because of their age.
2. Ending the practice of excluding people from insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
3. Holding down health costs and making insurance coverage more affordable for all Americans.
4. Making prescription drugs more affordable by narrowing the Medicare doughnut hole, bringing generics to market faster, and allowing Medicare to negotiate better drug prices.

Find out more and take action at HealthActionNow.org.

What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said: "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 

The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said: "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man, again feeling obligated, reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated: "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." 

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked: "Was it something I said? Where are you going?"

The old man looked at her and replied: "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

Who shot & killed Wild Bill Hickok ?

Question:  You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver’s eyes?

Doing too much

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, “You've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

How old is " Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling ?