JOKE OF TODAY

What washes its ears with its tongue and uses its head to discipline its kids?

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

Who is Jamesetta Hawkins better known as ?

The word has 7 letters, preceded by God, greater than God, more evil than the devil, and if you eat it, you will die.

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

Did the musical"Dreamgirls" open on Broadway in 1977, 1979 or 1981 ?

Soon as I'm made, I'm sought with care, for one whole year consulted. That time elapsed, I'm thrown aside, neglected and insulted.

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple were talking to a priest about joining the new local church. The priest told them that one requiremnt was that each couple would have to restrain from having sex for two weeks. The couples agreed and left the priest with confidence.

Two weeks later, the couples returned. The priest asked the elderly couple "Did you restrain from sex for the two weeks?" The couple replied,"Why, yes we did father."

"Congratulations, welcome to the church." He then asked the middle-aged couple the same question. "Yes father, we were okay the first few days and then I ended up sleeping on the couch for the remainder of the time." replied the man.

"Congratulations, welcome to the church." Now the newlyweds. "Did you refrain from sex for the two weeks?"asked the priest.

The couple replied, "We did really good for the first week, but father, I fell into temptation when she was reaching for a can of paint, and I just had to take her right there."

"Well," said the priest, "You know you are not welcome to join the church now right?"

The man replied, " I know, were not welcome at Home Depot either"!

Who played Isaac the bartender on" The Love Boat" ?

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

Will Rogers has a great set of advice on getting older. Enjoy!

First, Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second, The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third, Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth, When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth, You know you are getting old when every thing either dries up or leaks.

Sixth, I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh, One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth, One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth, Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth, Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally, If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

What year did " Hee Haw" premiere on TV ?

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike one!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed: "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

What's the one thing that Democrats and Republicans share in common?

In baseball, is the American League or National League older ?

A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

It is a 5 digit NUMBER. If you multiply the NUMBER by 9 you will see that the NUMBER is reversed.What is that NUMBER?

On June 10,__, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in ___,___

A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan Airport in Boston. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other: "Man, do you have anything to drink?"

The other one says: "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good. In fact, he feels great -- NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says: "Hey, how do you feel?"

"I feel great!" he says.

"I feel great too!" his friend says. "You don't have a hangover?"

"No," he replies: "that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover -- we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?" he asks.

"Did you fart yet?"

"No," his friend replies.

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I just did and now I'm in Phoenix!"

I'm white & used for cutting & grinding. When I'm damaged, humans usually remove me or fill me. For most animals I am a useful tool. What am I?

In tennis, how many time did Bjorn Borg win the U. S. Open ?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy: "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued: "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied: "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike and right now, he can't do either."

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
And two only in me.
I'm double, I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.
What am I?

In college football, what is the former name of the Chick-fil-A Bowl ?

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

I have no voice and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more. What am I?

Who played Bob Falfa in the 1973 film "American Graffiti" ?

An old man is lying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly notices the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulls himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife is baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reaches for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacks him across the back of his hand.

"Leave them alone," she exclaims: "They're for the funeral!"