JOKE OF TODAY

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"

What was the middle name of Rutherford B. Hayes, our nation's 19th president?

If Mr. Pink lives in the pink house, Mr. Yellow lives in the yellow house, Mr. Green lives in the green house then who lives in the white house?

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

How many Oscar nominations has Meryl Streep received ?

What can be swallowed but can also swallow you?

A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next  to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red  lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the  disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" 

"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much  alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" 

"Well, I'll be damned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" 

"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Who said "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics" ? 

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted toward how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion , they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said: "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said: "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said: "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled: "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

In what way can the letter “A” help a deaf lady?

The 51- story One Shell Square is the tallest building in what city ? 

What goes through water but doesn’t get wet?

One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out: "Ouch you f*cking wanker!"

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."

"Well, have you tried smacking them?" the priest asked.

"No," she replied. "Doesn't the church look down on that?"

"Well," the priest said, "yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."

The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.

Tommy said: "Gimme some f*cking waffles."

The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied,

"Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no f*cking waffles!"

Last year, Uno was named best in show at Westminster.What breed is Uno ?

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

What is the shortest phrase in the English language but the gratitude it expresses can often be profound.

What is the name of the 2006 "Casino Royale" theme Song ?

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
 

The flight attendant goes into the <snip>pit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
 

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
 

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde!"
 

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,I'm sorry." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
 

"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston "

What seven letters did Old
Mother Hubbard say when she
opened her cupboard?

Who founded Motown Records in 1959 ?

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't disguise your voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. Pick up a box of c*ndoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

You are walking through a field, and you find something to eat. It doesn't have bones, and it doesn't have meat. You pick it up and put it into your pocket. You take it home and put it on a shelf, but 3 day's later it walks away. What is it?

Which athlete won America's only gold medal in the1968 Winter Olympic Games ?

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

How many bones are in the human body ?

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks: "What in the world was that?"

The man says: "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her: "What was that?"

She replies: "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.

He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.

The wife asks: "Now what in the world was that?" He replies: "Half time. Switch sides."

Take one out and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red.

Take one out and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red.

What am I?