JOKE OF TODAY

Who wrote the poem " The Raven " ?

Misunderstanding

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I’d love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park-the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonald’s they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars-more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying: "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up in the attic cleaning, when she came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"That darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Who founded the University of Virginia ?

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just s****** your mom and it was really sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me…."

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad - you're drunk again!"

What instrument was invented in 1829 and can fit into your pocket ?

The Apple iBoob

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

A man is sitting in a pub feeling rather poor. He sees the man next to him pull a wad of £50 notes out of his wallet.
He turns to the rich man and says to him,
"I have an amazing talent: I know almost every song that has ever existed."
The rich man laughs.
The poor man says, "I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a genuine song with a lady's name of your choice in it."
The rich man laughs again and says, "OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?"
The rich man goes home poor. The poor man goes home rich.

What song did he sing?

 A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

For 12 yrs, Barack Obama was a law school professor at which university ?

Obama's second daughter is known as Sasha, but what was her birth name ?

It is a 4 digit number divisible by 4 leaving no remainder. If you divide it by 4 the quotient will be the reversed order of the original number. What is that number?

Husband: We have been married five years and haven't agreed on a thing.
Wife: You are wrong again. It has been six years.

Where is Aaron Burr buried ?

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 and Psalms 52:3-4
(lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I
understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

Sincerely,
Taxpayer

P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

rail road crossing watchout for cars can you spell that without any r's?

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"

"What and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

Many things can create one, it can be of any shape or size, it is created for various reasons, and it can shrink or grow with time. What is it?

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

A man has ten coins totaling $1.19. From these coins, he cannot make exact change for a dollar, half-dollar, quarter, dime, or nickel. What are the coins?

A married couple goes to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.

"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.

"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.

As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.

"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.

The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.

I am four times as old as my daughter. In 20 years time I shall be twice as old as her. How old are we now?

On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

In the 1999 NFL Draft, Donovan McNabb was not the 1st pick. Who was ?

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied."I only have to outrun you."

Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I would remain the same. What am I?

How many letters are in the alphabet?

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

You can have me but cannot hold me;
Gain me and quickly lose me.
If treated with care I can be great,
And if betrayed I will break.
What am I?

"I’ve had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I’m filing for a divorce."

"I’m sorry to hear that,” said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills," said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain’t just that," stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago!"

A word I know, six letters it contains, subtract one, and twelve remains. What am I??

Many girls like to marry a military man, he can cook, sew, make a bed and is in good health…and he’s already used to taking orders.

In what U. S. city was the world's first traffic light installed ?

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted that read, "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than 20 dollars I wouldn't be eating here."

What was the top selling DVD in 2007 ?

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised," the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Some can hurt
others don't
some can teach
others won't
some are stupid
others smart
and some will take them
right to heart

Why did the turkey cross the road?

A man wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling very horny, he nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees, and rolls back over to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver’s eyes?

Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day, and it fell to Doreen to take care of the funeral arrangements.

It was during her consultation with the undertaker that she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.

Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"

The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."

Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read ‘MATT IS DEAD.’"

The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."

Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read ‘MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.’"

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her father had once told her: “If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.”

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her father had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. You can follow me over to K-Mart now if you like.”