Carlson goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Carlson," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Carlson "I knew I could count on you!"

Use the number 5 for 5 times and arrive 100.

Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?

How could I place a bookbag on the floor where no one could jump over it?

A barrel of water weighs 50 pounds. What must you add to it to make it weigh 35 pounds?

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher asked, 'How many pounds?'

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then asked, Anything else?

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher asked, How many?

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, That's a really smart dog you have there.

The owner said, He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.

How much older was Vivian Vance than Lucille Ball?

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

After teaching his class all about roman numerals (X = 10, IX=9 and so on) the teacher asked his class to draw a single continuous line and turn IX into 6.

The only stipulation the teacher made was that the pen could not be lifted from the paper until the line was complete.

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

 I am a struggle, a fight, and a contest. My first four letters are an everyday device used for cleanliness. (6 letters)

rs. Smith, an elderly woman, went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
       
      Quite surprised, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
       
      The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
       
      The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
       
      The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

President
The 22nd and 24th presidents of the United States had the same mother and the same father, but were not brothers. How was this possible?

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

I'm sometimes white,
Although sometimes I'm black.
I take you there,
But never bring you back. What am I?

5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.

5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has received her first job offer since failing in her bid to become vice-president of the United States - to appear in a porno movie.

Florida-based porn director Cezar Capone has offered to pay Palin $2 million to appear in an adult film production.

Capone promises in an open letter on his website that the film would be distributed internationally, shot in high definition, and feature a "beautiful mother recognized by all of America as well as the rest of the world - the most desirable woman over 40."

Florida-based porn director Cezar Capone has offered to pay former v-p candidate Sarah Palin $2 million to appear in an international, high-definition, adult film.

Nathaniel Wilder/Reuters

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To prove he's serious about the offer, Capone says he's prepared to hold the money in escrow immediately.

To sweeten the deal, Palin's husband Todd has been offered a co-starring role in the production, for which Capone would be "prepared to kick in an extra $100,000," and a new Arctic Cat snowmobile.

Palin hasn't publicly responded to the offer, which was sent to her administration office in Juneau, Alaska, on Nov. 6.

Hustler Magazine recently released a spoof Palin porn video titled Nailin' Paylin, which was referenced in a now infamous YouTube prank call made by Montreal shock jocks the Masked Avengers in the final days of the U.S. election campaign.

© Vancouver Sun 2008

Brothers and sisters have I none
but that man's father is my father's
son

A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool -- you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?!"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the managing director of the company, you fool!"

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the managing director.

"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

What word can be written forward, backward or upside down, and can still be read from left to right?

Try picking winning #s instead of trying to pick a President.

Throw it off the highest building, and I'll not break. But put me in the ocean, and I will. What am I?

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their politics or religion, agree is between heaven and earth?

You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front of the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer. “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life,” he says.

“Why, it was nothing,” the man says. “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion's den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.”

“I noticed a bible in your pocket -- are you a republican?” asked the journalist.

“Yes, and I'm a christian on my way to a bible study,” the man replies.

“Well, I'll make sure this act won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page,” he says before leaving.

The following morning the man buys a copy of the New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page:

“Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”