JOKE OF TODAY

Can you think of a word that changes both number and gender when you add the letter 'S'?

The Helpful Wife

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk

This is as light as a feather yet no man can hold it for long.What is it?

Girls have it but boys don't
Billy has it but kelly doesn't

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard. Not knowing quite what to do, he looks in the yellow pages under “Gorilla Removal Service” and sure enough finds a listing for Harry’s Ape Removal.

He calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade, including a pick-up truck, a pair of handcuffs, a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun.

Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help:

"Now, I’m going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree. The very instant the gorilla hits the ground, this dog is trained to rush up and bite his balls off. This will temporarily immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him. I’ll then get him into the truck while he’s still in a daze."

The man thinks about it for a moment and then asks, “Hey, what’s the shotgun for?”

“Oh, right,” says Harry, “occasionally when I shake the tree, the gorilla shakes back. If I fall, shoot the damn dog!”

What does a blind man see,
a deaf man hear,
and if you eat it you are sure to die?

man goes to see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of his wife. The psychiatrist starts by showing the man a series of ink blots. For each blot the doctor asks the man, "What does this remind you of?" and the man replies each time, "Sex." Finally the doctor concludes, "You're obsessed with sex." The man replies, "Well you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

I am in Michigan and Massachusetts

In Oregon and Texas,

I am an Island,
a ship and an Indie rockband

But mostly I am John Wayne’s
first name.

What am I?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s very rich. Marry him.” That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m rich. Marry me.” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That’s Customer Feedback.

Where will you always find gold?

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”

The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry, sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”

The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?”

The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”

The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”

The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”

When is a chair like an expensive scarf?

One evening as Jack passed little Tommy’s bedroom he overheard his son praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa.”

The Dad wasn’t quite sure what Tommy meant by this, but was pleased to see his son praying.

However, the next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack. Jack was rather spooked but convinced himself that it was just a coincidence.

The next night, he heard Tommy praying again: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy. Bye bye Grandma.”

Jack was getting worried now, but decided to just wait and see what transpired. He awoke early and went to check on Gradma, sure enough she was laying dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack.

Jack was really scared now and made sure that he was listening outside Tommy’s bedroom door when he prayed that night.

His worst fears were realised when Tommy said, “God bless Mummy. Bye bye Daddy.”

Now Jack was terrified. He couldn’t sleep at all that night and went to the doctor’s first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.

When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
 ”Thank God you’re home,” She said, “We’ve had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!”

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bustrip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?

A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A man had twelve toothpicks in front of him. He took one away. Now he had nine in front of him. How is this possible?

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

A pipe, a carrot, and a couple sticks are lying together in a field. Why?

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.

“Where are you going?” his wife asked.

“I’m going to the doctor,” he replied.

“Why?” she asked. “Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.

“Where are you going?” the old man asked.

“I’m going to the doctor too,” she replied.

“Why?” he asked.

“If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”

Trains travel from Foodletown to Myerville all day, always on the same track, always going nonstop and at the same speed. The noon train took 80 minutes to complete the trip, but the 4 PM train took an hour and 20 minutes. Why?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

Apples

A basket contains 5 apples. Do you know how to divide them to 5 kids so that each one has an apple and one apple stays in the basket?

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure," said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you’d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you’d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you’ll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You’ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men’s room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there’s one in a filling station on the corner."

I do not breathe, but I run and jump.
I do not eat, but I swim and stretch.
I do not drink, but I sleep and stand.
I do not think, but I grow and play.
I do not see, but you see me every day.

I move incessant to and fro,
Obedient to Moon and Sun,
But though I serve both high and low,
All wait on me, I wait on none.

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau Field. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste," he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"

The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."

"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss," The other man replied, "May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Mountains will crumble and temples will fall and no man can survive its endless call.What is it?

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.

With no wings, I fly. With no eyes, I see. With no arms, I climb. More frightening than any beast, stronger than any foe. I am cunning, ruthless, and tall; in the end, I rule all. What am I?

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me
jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?

What word looks the same upside down and backwards?

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Although it is neither big nor small, nor is it a liquid, solid or gas, it can be broken without being dropped. What is it?

A man complained to his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5:00 in the morning.”

“What is she doing?” the pal asked.

“Waiting for me to get home.”

Lives without a body, hears without ears, speaks without a mouth, to which the air alone gives birth.

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the a--."