Which is the quietest sport?

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

What word in the English language uses all five vowels plus Y in alphabetical order and uses each one only once?

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

To cross the water I'm the way,

For water I'm above;

I touch it not, and truth to say,

I neither swim nor move. What am I?

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?"


The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?"


"Yes," the gambler concedes.


"Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me."


"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me what I ask for.I’ll take an 8."

Why can't Kevin Laroche, who is now living in Canada, not be buried in the USA?

Jewish and Chinese Pilots

How do you know if you have a slow dog?

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

What goes into the water black and comes out red?

Skinny Dippers and a Smart Old Man

Samuel was out for a walk when it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?

What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

If you have me, you want to share me. If you share me, you haven't got me. What am I?

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks, 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts, 'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!''

'Tunderin' Lord Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

In what sport do the winners go backwards while losers go forwards?

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
Never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

KLEENEX:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

Mr. Fisher is a night watchman in a large company. On a certain morning when Mr. Fisher wants to go home, his boss tells him: "I'll go for a businesstrip to Norway. Tomorrow I will depart from Heathrow airport." Mr. Fisher however advises him to take a boat. "Why should I?" asked the president. "This night I dreamed that the plane to Norway crashes, just before it will land," is the response. The president smiles first, but since he is pretty superstitious he decides to take the boat. When he arrives in Norway, he is told that the plane which he should have taken had crashed. When the president returns from the trip, he gives a big reward to Mr. Fisher and immediately fires him. Why?

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then, without pausing, he downs each one.

“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “You seem to be in a hurry.”

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.

“Fifty cents.”

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

If you have two coins which total 35 cents and one of the coins is not a dime, what are the two coins ?

Take away my first letter and I am unchanged;
Take away my second letter and I am unchanged;
Take away all my remaining letters and I am still unchanged!
What am I?

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having a reaction.

"Where was she bit?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole" was the reply.

"Wow!” he replied, “She must have been standing right over the hive."

I come in different shapes and sizes. Part of me are curves, others are straight. You can put me anywhere you like, but there is only one right place for me.
What am I?

I have no voice and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more. What am I?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all the animals?”

The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty Lion!

Later, the lion confronted a wildebeest and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all the animals?”

The terrified wildebeest stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all the animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times. The elephant then stomped on the lion until he looked like a corn tortilla.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get so mad.”

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

They belong to me
They belong to you
They can make you feel happy
or make you feel blue
They never end
until the day you do?

My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the Second World War.

He doesn’t talk about it though.

How can a woman living in New Jersey, legally marry 3 men, without ever getting a divorce, be widowed, or becoming legally separated?

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Moods of a Man

Horny.

Forwards its heavy, backwards its not

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“How so?”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”

What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

What has to be broken before it can be used?

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
10. Sag! You're it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS... 1. Hide and go pee!

Where did pasta originate?

Italy, China or Greece.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

“For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.”

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued… “For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.”

A horse is tied to a 15 ft. rope and there is a bail of hay 25 ft. away from him. Yet the horse is able to eat from the bail of hay. How is this possible ? 

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”

Toward the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.”

She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

Based on the laws of the U.S. Constitution, there are five
requirements a person must meet in order to become
President of the United States: The candidate:

must be at least 35 years old
must be a citizen of the United States
must have resided in the United States for at least 14 years
must have been born in the United States

There is one more requirement. What is it

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Take off my skin - I won't cry, but you will! What am I?

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. Whoever knows it, wants it not. What is it?

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of wh***s.”

A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.

How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to Their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to The telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I Meant it with all my heart. "Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

I can be long, or I can be short. I can be grown, and I can be bought. I can be painted, or left bare. I can be round, or square. What am I?

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a Parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner

A petshop owner had a parrot with a sign on its cage that said "Parrot repeats everything it hears". Davey bought the parrot and for two weeks he spoke to it and it didn't say a word. He returned the parrot but the shopkeeper said he never lied about the parrot. How can this be?

When I point up it's bright,
but when I point down it's dark.


What am I?

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!