I'm sometimes white,
Although sometimes I'm black.
I take you there,
But never bring you back.
What am I?

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”

I am an insect, & the first half of my name reveals another insect. Some famous musicians had a name similar to mine. What am I?

A man walks into a bar sits down and says, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

The bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

"Damn, what the hell is that?" the man asks.

The bartender says, "Well we call it a Pabst Smir!"

This is as light as a feather, yet no man can hold it for long.
What is it?

Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word equity means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it?

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.

"Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.

"What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said.

"Thanks, Dad."

What is a kitten after it is 7 months old?

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said,..... "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star Wars-more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbor. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes. What caused the ship to sink?

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, 'cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He tells such incredible

If the day before yesterday susie was nine, yesterday she was ten and next year she will be twelve, when is susies birthday and what is today?

Good Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

What so fragile even saying its name will break it ?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A man went on a trip with a fox, a goose and a sack of corn. He came upon a stream which he had to cross and found a tiny boat to use to cross the stream. He could only take himself and one other - the fox, the goose, or the corn - at a time. He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn. How does he get all safely over the stream?

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth".
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.
       
      "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
       
      "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
       
      Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

What question can you never answer "yes" to?

A plumber attended to a leaky faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree, you're right! I didn't either when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

Never ahead, ever behind, yet flying swiftly past; for a child, I last forever; for an adult, I`m gone too fast. What am I?

What 7 letter word becomes longer when the third letter is removed?

Doing the dishes

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the f------g dishes."

How could I place a bookbag on the floor where no one could jump over it?

A Cowboy rides into town and stops at a saloon for a drink. When he finishes his drink, he finds his horse has been stolen. He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?” he yells. No one answers.

“Alright, I’m gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”

He has another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. He saddles up and gets ready to ride out of town.

Before he leaves, the bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… What happened in Texas?” The cowboy turns back and says, “I had to walk home.”

I am not alive but I grow; I don't have lungs but I need air; I don't have a mouth but water kills me. What am I?

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

A burglar enters a house through a window, and hears someone/something say, "Jesus is watching!" the burglar gets nervous and stands perfectly still in the dark, waiting a couple minutes he hears nothing & decides to move.. Again he hears "Jesus is watching!". he see’s a parrot and asks, "Was that you" the parrot then says "Yes" the burglar, in relief.. asks the parrot, "What is your name?" the parrot says "Clarence" the burglar chuckles, "Who names their parrot Clarence?" the parrot replies, "The same idiot that names their roetweiler, Jesus"

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2 Nene,

3. Nini, 4. Nono.



What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Why wasn't Bertha put in jail after killing dozens of people?

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.

“So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying…. “Ummmm… 22.”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces …..”Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure or look up. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about 15 seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying: ”Mandy!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “What were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the blonde, “I was just running through that song,…… Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….”

What always runs but never walks, often murmurs, never talks, has a bed but never sleeps, has a mouth but never eats?

A duck walks into a bar and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck walks out, but he walks in the following day and asks, “Got any crackers?”

The bartender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!”

The duck walks out again, but he returns the next day and asks, “Got any nails?”

The bartender says, “No.”

The duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

What kind of running means walking?

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

“I’m 90 years old,” he says.

“Ninety!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”

What happened in 1961 that will not happen again for over 4000 years?

Pregnant

A  farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know
how much he gets fer Howard.'

The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box. The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for. She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

Whats the difference between a blimp made by a tire
company and 500 used condoms ?

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

What has no beginning, end or middle and touches every continent?

A young man who was an avid golfer had a few hours to spare. He figured that if he played quickly, he could squeeze in nine holes before heading home. Just as he was about to tee-off, an elderly gentleman asked if he could accompany him as he, too, was playing alone. The young man agreed.

When they finally reached the ninth fairway, the young man had a tough shot because there was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.

He was considering how to hit the shot, when the other man said, “When I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

Accepting the challenge, the younger man swung hard and hit the ball smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not far from where it originally lay.

“Of course,” the elderly man continued, “when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

If you are Americanoutside of the bathroom what are you when you are inside the bathroom?

After a visit to the doctor, a man returns home and tells his wife he has approximately six hours left to live. Of course, they go straight to bed and have some amazing, athletic sex. Half an hour later, the man asks his wife if they can have sex again. They do, and it's even more vigourous and ferocious sex. An hour later, the man asks his wife for sex again, and they have a ball-busting, rib-breaking round of sex. An hour later, the man wants it again.

"No way," says the wife. "I have to get up in the morning. You don't."

What common English verb becomes its own past tense by rearranging its letters?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls.

What is it?

It regulates our daily movements, but it feels no interest in our lives. It directs us when to come and go, but does not care if we pay attention. What is it?

What is the situation?

I am afraid to go home because the man in the mask is there...

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”

“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

When you have me, you feel like sharing me. But, if you do share me, you don’t have me. What am I?

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there to pick up my spirits. When I got shot, you were by my side to nurse me back to health. When we lost the house, you were right there with me again. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I’m beginning to think you’re f**king bad luck.”