One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f**king beautiful!'

Two girls are born to the same mother, on the same day, at the same time (Edit: of course, not both at once - one right after the other - you know what I mean  ), in the same month and year and yet they're not twins. How can this be?

What can you hold without ever touching or using your hands?

Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do," Bob says.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" Jack asks.

"Yes, I have to admit that I did," Bob says.

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Jack asks.

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks a lot, pal…” Jack says. “She just died and left me her farm."

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitc* tonight, Dave.”

A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

I never was, am always to be,
None ever saw me, nor ever will,
And yet I am the confidence of all
Who live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.

Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boasts, "If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving V32 instead of V8, our cars would get 5,000 miles to the gallon and the top speed would be mach seven."

The chairman of GM thinks about it for a moment and replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes four times a day?"

023456789 lives ever ever ever ever ...    What does it mean ?

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" asks the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Alex bought a bag of apples on Saturday, and he ate a third of them. On Sunday he ate half of the remaining apples. He ate one more on Monday and one more on Tuesday, then ate half of the remaining apples on Wednesday. On Thursday he looked in the bag and saw that there was just one apple left. How many apples did the bag have to begin with?

They belong to me
They belong to you
They can make you feel happy
or make you feel blue
They never end
until the day you do

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching!

What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say…"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

what's the beginning of eternity,
the end of time and space,
the beginning of the end,
and the end of every place?

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking when one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man says that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active in the sack.

The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age, so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.

"Well," the man answers, "I eat rye bread everyday. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."

The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.

The clerk then asks the man, "Do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"

The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "What’s the difference?"

The clerk responds, "Well, when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."

To which the man responds, "How come everyone knows about this but me?"

Why is an island like the letter T?

A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" the interviewer asks.

"Yes, I was a Marine," responds the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 a.m., but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

What is broken every time it's spoken?

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

What vehicle is spelled the same backwards and forwards?

Old Man - Aging Jokes

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no brother. How could this be?

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?

A dead man is found in a locked room, hanging from the ceiling 4 ft. above the floor. The room is completely empty, except for a puddle of water below him. How did he die?

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The doctor thinks about it for a moment and tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her privately. So the wife comes into the doctor’s office and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

The wife tells him, "For the last seven months, I have taken a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see doctor, when I get home I'm completely exhausted and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a moment and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband about this or what?"

Did you hear the creator of the hokey pokey died?

They had trouble getting him in the casket. When they put his left foot in, it came right back out

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you die?

An extremely drunk fellow decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot. Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.

Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.

"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."

"Who are you?" shouts the drunk guy.

"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"

Chair Philosophy

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office where she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please, barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you, sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

Twenty minutes later the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "You get nasty when you drink!"

This guy's wife asks, "Honey, if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, so I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, so I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

He says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

She asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

And he says, "Oh no, she's left-handed."

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."

The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.

"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

The Dead Church

new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services.
       
      The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.
       
      Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
       
      Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
       
      In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.