JOKE OF TODAY

Junior hangs out at the local grocery store. The neighborhood boys think Junior is two bricks short of a load and like to tease him.

To prove it, the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger?”

Junior says, “No. I grab the nickel because if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

butt joke A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

"Of course I do. It is the Bible." the lady replies!

"Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" he asked.

"Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." she replied.

"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" he asked.

"Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." said the lady.

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then YOU can ask him." replied the lady!

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you fogive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda.

PS Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

 A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Two executives, Gary and Bill, staggered out of their company's holiday party in New York City. Bill crossed the street, while Gary stumbled in to a subway entrance. When Bill reached the other side, he noticed Gary emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where've you been?" Bill slurred.

"I don't know," replied Gary, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

                                                Merry xmas Everybody !

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
 

On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . . December 14, 2003 Dearest Dave, I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling! With truly the deepest love, Agnes December 15, 2003 Dearest Dave, Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways. With all of my love, Your Agnes December 16, 2003 Dearest Dave, You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person. Love, Agnes December 17, 2003 Dear Dave, Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 2003 Dearest darling Dave, It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift! All my love, Agnes December 19, 2003 Dear Dave, When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 2003 Dave, What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 2003 O.K. wise guy, The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry! Agnes December 22, 2003 Hey loser, What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind! You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 2003 You rotten scum!!! There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you! One who means it! December 24, 2003 Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac! What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage! Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 2003 The Law Offices of Badger, Rees, and Yorker 20 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois Dear sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site. Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Rees, and Yorker

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked: "When you're in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says: "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies: "I would like to hear them say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Rogaine and Viagra
	What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra? Hair that stands straight up on your head!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward, he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

Don't give us a bad name

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Two women were chatting when one asked the other, "Rebecca, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate sex" ?
Rebecca answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

A nun arrives at the local bar

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, you don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.”

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic.

He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

Time passes, and MORE time. Finally, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."

"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."

"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you 100 bucks."

The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"

"Roof!"

"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"

"Bark!"

"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!"

"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the 100 in 20s."

The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."

As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!"

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about it, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that ugly pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

“That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

An Irish priest is driving to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

One Monday morning after the weekly company meeting, a young executive was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes," the young man confided.

"Well, son. I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."

Some of the myths about marriage...
  Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
  heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
  just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
  explains that he must not be in tune
  with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
  is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
  So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
  walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
  can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
  go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
  the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
  is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
  care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
  don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
  wife is jumping up and
  down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
  am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
  The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
  stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
  this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
  explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
  financial needs as a Man!!!"
 

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

At The Vet


A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."