JOKE OF TODAY

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

The little sexy housewife was built so well that the TV repairman couldn't take his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd just about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished, she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... an unusual request. But first, you have to promise me that you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes..."

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes, yes..."

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bit..(expletive)

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"

Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"

Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!

There were three men playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus.

All three approach the edge of the pond. Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high nto the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole.

Next up,Jesus. He walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole. The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird,bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, "If I'm not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

"What's wrong?", he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice yoga?"

4. "Shoot! Why did you interrupt me? I almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!"

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "...In Jesus' name, Amen."

Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The y young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!" The old rooster says: "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls: "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster: "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farm house with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles: "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist's attention. "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asks.

"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asks the pharmacist.

"It's for my husband," she replies.

"Your husband?" exclaims the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"

She just nods.

"Well, lady," he replies, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you arsenic!"

She doesn't say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he says, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration into the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

An older couple had a son who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son has no career plans, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a $10 bill, a Bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The test was this: If the son took the money, he would be a businessman, if he took the Bible, he would be a priest, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would be a drunk.

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him.

Then, he took the $10 bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead and said, "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

A woman out shopping sees a counter marked "Sex Frogs," and goes to check it out. She asks the man behind the counter, "What's this?"

He replies, "Oh these are going very well. You buy a frog and take it home in a box, and when you are ready for bed, you put the frog on your pillow, and we guarantee that you will have the best night ever."

The woman whispers to him, "Okay then, I'll take one."

He puts a frog into a box, and points out the label with the instructions. "If you have any problems, there is a help line phone number on the box."

That night, she gets ready for bed, puts the frog on her pillow, and gets into bed. Nothing happens.

She feels so disappointed that she gets up and checks the box. It says: In case of any complaint, please phone this number." She phones the number and 10 minutes later, a man appears at her door.

"Show me where the frog is," he says.

She takes him upstairs and points to the frog, still sitting on her pillow. The man picks up the frog and says, "Okay, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time."

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the
bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and
well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or
even feeding them the right foods.”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can
do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”

The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try
it”.

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was
before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of
one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart
again!”

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you
try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back”.

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the
fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of
a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
“I. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and. it… it… grew
back!”

The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “For crying
out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that
the other one!” The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms
out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won
the lottery. “It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the
black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

The Chairman of the Board, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO known as a hatchet man. The new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers, and make a real impression on his first day.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"

Man: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$60,000"

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $895,000."

Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling -- you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, but this time she turn to the third man -- who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers... I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers..."

Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't realize it.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes conversations easier.
13. It promotes honesty.
14. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
15. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
16. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
17. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning, the mother prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs, and called for the newlyweds to come down to eat. After a long wait, the family decided to eat without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat."

The groom's younger brother said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunchtime, the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat and, after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat." Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinnertime, once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set exquisitely and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again began wondering why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he took my crazy glue instead."

Sex is like salary

Sex is like ur salary..

U don't disclose what u get but U always think that others get more than U...!!!

A guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.....................

"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!

Back to the synagogue..................

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY LOTTO TICKET!!!"

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"