JOKE OF TODAY

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.

 This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.

So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"

The boy stood up and said, "35."

"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.

"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.

The boy said, "75."

"That's good," the preacher replied.

He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."

The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.

He said, "I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them."

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:

While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many 
dollars would you have? 
VINCENT: One dollar. 
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic. 
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father. 
      

.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one
around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, How does this boat float? The father replied, Don't rightly know son. A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, How do fish breath underwater? Once again the father replied, Don't rightly know son. A little later the boy asked his father, Why is the sky blue? Again, the father repied. Don't rightly know son. Finally, the boy asked his father, Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions? The father replied, Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothing.

During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the bride and groom arrived to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it was time for the groom's vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $100 in the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Two buddies named Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games per year and they even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it's me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Morris complained to his friend Irving that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy... just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

Men are like...

1. Men are like... coffee. The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.
2. Men are like... computers. Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
3. Men are like... laxatives. They irritate the s**t out of you.
4. Men are like... coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
7. Men are like... power tools. They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.
8. Men are like... remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
9. Men are like... shag carpets. Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.
10. Men are like... vacuum cleaners. They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.
11. Men are like... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
12. Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
13. Men are like... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
14. Men are like... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
15. Men are like... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
16. Men are like... plastic wrap. Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
17. Men are like... department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
18. Men are like... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
19. Men are like... plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
20. Men are like... curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
21. Men are like... cement. After getting laid they take along time to get hard.
22. Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.
23. Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
24. Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
25. Men are like... floor tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
26. Men are like... blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
27. Men are like... commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
28. Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
29. Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
30. Men are like... used cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.
31. Men are like... bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
32. Men are like... bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
33. Men are like... crystal. Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.
34. Men are like... dry cleaners. Most work fast and leave no ring.
35. Men are like... popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
36. Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table

There is a blind man here to see you

Pondering Old Age
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my get up and go has got up and went.
But in spite of it all I am able to grin
when I recall where my get up has been.
Old age is golden-so I've heard it said-
but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed,
with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup,
my eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?"
And I'm happy to say as I close my door,
my friends are the same, perhaps even more.
When I was young, my slippers were red,
I could pick up my heels right over my head.
When I grew older, my slippers were blue,
but still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
The reason I know my youth is all spent,
my get up and go has got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think, with a grin,
of all the grand places my get up has been.
Since I have retired from life's competition,
I accommodate myself with complete repetition.
I get up each morning, and dust off my wits,
pick up my paper and read the "obits".
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

3 Proud Parents
3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a convertible and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertible."

William and Mildred were married for 25 years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Mildred, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their tails, Candie came up behind William, pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives…

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my
frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

1- Dogs don't shop.
2- Dogs never expect gifts.
3- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
4- Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
5- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
6- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
7- Dogs don't notice if you call them by other names.
8- Dogs never want foot rubs.
9- Dogs are excited by rough play.
10- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
11- It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
12- Dogs never need to examine a relationship.
13- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
14- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
15- A dog's parents never drop in to visit.
16- Dogs love long car rides.
17- Dogs understand that instincts are better than stopping for directions.
18- Dogs like beer.
19- No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
20- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly - or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it can not count, criticize, or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf got it's name because all of the other four-letter words were taken.

A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged: "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"

The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "Ok, son," said the cop, "which one is your father?"

"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A young woman decided to come out of the closet. Nervously, she decided to approach her mother and found her in the kitchen where she was stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Gathering up courage, she decided to blurt it out. "Mom, I'm gay!"

The mither carried on stirring the stew without looking up. "You mean lesbian?"

"Uh, yeah."

Still the mother continues stirring. "Does that mean you lick women down below?"

"Well, er, yes."

The mother finally looked up from the pot and, waving the spoon at her daughter, said: "Then don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

A man went for a job with a major company. "I'm looking for a job as a consultant," he said.

The employer said: "No, sorry. We already have enough consultants."

"Ok, well, with my experience, I could be an adviser."

"No, we've got more then we can use already."

The applicant was becoming increaslingly desperate. "Look, I'm not proud. I can do paperwork - I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

"I'm sorry," said the employer, "but we just don't seem to have any openings for someone with your qualifications."

At this, the applicant stood up, smashed his fist on the desk and stormed: "Work for you, I'd have to be a low-life, belly-crawling, double-dealing jerk!"

"Oh," said the employer, "you didn't say you were a lawyer. Sit down. We may have an opening after all."

A drunk staggered out a bar and began walking down the street, one foot on the curb, the other foot on the street.

Seeing this, a policeman went over to him and said: "You're drunk."

"Thank God for that!" Said the drunk. "I thought I was crippled."

A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket, but couldn't find any on the shelves. So he asked an elderly male employee: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?"

The employee said: "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"