JOKE OF TODAY

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What does two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The accountant says, "On average, four -- give or take ten percent -- but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the blinds, sits down next to the interviewer, and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

Men vs Women

1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
2. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
3. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
4. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
5. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
7. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
8. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
9. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

Yesterday, A Final Song
Yesterday,
All my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can
cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come to-
morrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I
have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb
there goes my "A"
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
Oh, how I long for Yesterday.
-Dead Poet's Society

It's legal to earn money playing hockey.
Many people play hockey even after they're married.
The puck's always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts at least an hour.
A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon.
You always know how big the stick is.
You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.
You can change players on the fly.
You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up.
Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds.
Your parents cheer when you score.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
You're sure to get it at least twice a week.
You can tell your friends about it afterward.

  Marriage quotes

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
1. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. Cass Daley
2. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
3. Marriage is a rest period between romances.
4. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
5. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
6. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
7. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
8. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. John Lyly
9. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
10. Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
11. Marriage is an institution but who wants to live in an institution?
12. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
13. Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
15. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
16. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
17. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
18. Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
19. May you never leave your marriage alive.
20. May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
21. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
22. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
23. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
24. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing,
25. My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.
26. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

15- Your potted plants stay alive.

14- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

13- 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

12- You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

10- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

9- You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

8- Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

7- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

6- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

5- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

4- MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

3- A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

2- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.

1- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

Kid says, "$101,237.64."

Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."

His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."

So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

My wife is missing

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay, he pulled the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink highballs when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A frog calls a psychic

Wherever I am,wherever I go, she is with me always~

my Mother.

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer passed by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said that Benny could pull his car out, so he backed the horse up and hitched it to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Joke of the day: Rules of Being a Guy

• Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
• Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
• No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
• When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
• It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
• Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
• Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
• If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem you didn't see nothin'.
• Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
• You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
• Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
• Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
• You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay... I guess 7," said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the second man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

A woman goes into her lawyer's office and requests a divorce. While taking down her background information, he asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"

The woman replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30am and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated, the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident, she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point, the lawyer loses his patience and asks, "Look, lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?'... and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Four Men And Their Dogs

Four men -- an engineer, an accountant, a chemist, and a government worker -- were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed: that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed: that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed: that was good. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home on sick leave