Jarasans Blog

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
 lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure
 I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second
 old lady replies, "I suque' a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old
 lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

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 *****************
 Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
 reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
 demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber
 she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions
 used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two
 big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked,
 "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking
 about."
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 ********************
  A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a
 Florida Adult community.
  A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench.
 After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
  He replies, "I lived here years ago."
  "So, where were you all these years?"
  "In prison," he says.
 "Why did they put you in prison?"
  He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."
  "Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

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 ********************************
 Another two elderly people living in Stonecrest, he was a widower and
 she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there
 was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
 The two were at the same table, across from one another.  As the meal
 went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the
 courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
 After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered "Yes.
 Yes, I will!"
 The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
 their respective places.

 Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say
 'no'?" He couldn't remember.  Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not
 even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called
 her.

 First, he explained that he didn't rem ember as well as he used to.
 Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,
 he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or
 did you say 'No'?"

 He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and
 I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that
 you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
 *************************
  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  .'"

 , MORRIS PAIN FULLY  GETS  UP ON  STOOL AT THE ICECREAM COUNTER
 After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress
 asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

  "No," he replied, "arthritis."
 "LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT----KIND OF LIKE PLAY-DOH

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
 
      Dear Dogs and Cats,
 
      The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 
      The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
 
      I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

      It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 
      For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
 
      The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
 
      To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
      1. They live here. You don't.
      2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
      3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
      4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
      Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
      1. Eat less
      2. Don't ask for money all the time
      3  Are easier to train
      4. Normally come when called
      5. Never ask to drive the car
      6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
      7. Don't smoke or drink
      8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
      9. Don't want to wear your clothes
      10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
          And finally,
      11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

      These guys and the bowery boys were great.

      On…..

      If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
      sketch,
      “Who’s on First?” might have turned out something like this:

      COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

      ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
      COSTELLO: Thanks.? I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m
      thinking about buying a computer.
      ABBOTT: Mac?
      COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
      ABBOTT: Your computer?
      COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer.? I want to buy one.
      ABBOTT: Mac?
      COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
      ABBOTT: What about Windows?
      COSTELLO: Why?? Will it get stuffy in here?
      ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
      COSTELLO: I don’t know.? What will I see when I look at the
      windows?
      ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

      COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.? I need a computer and software.
      ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
      COSTELLO: No. On the computer!? I need something I can use to
      write proposals, track expenses and run my business.? What do you have?        
      ABBOTT: Office.
      COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.? Can you recommend anything?
      ABBOTT: I just did.
      COSTELLO: You just did what?
      ABBOTT: Recommend something.
      COSTELLO: You recommended something?
      ABBOTT: Yes.
      COSTELLO: For my office?
      ABBOTT: Yes.
      COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
      ABBOTT: Office.
      COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
      ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

      COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!? OK, let’s just
      say  I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.? What do
      I need?
      ABBOTT: Word.
      COSTELLO: What word?
      ABBOTT: Word in Office.
      COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
      ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
      COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows ?
      ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W” .
      COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with
      some straight answers.? What about financial bookkeeping?? You have

Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are okay.  Only one of our tents and 2
sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of  us got drowned because
we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't
write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and
rescue jeeps.  It was neat.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him.

 Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and
also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus  that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us  ride on the fenders. It gets  pretty
hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer
until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where
there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there  are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swim ming out
in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith  wouldn't let me because I can't swim,
and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take
the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the
trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working
on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew
dived into the lake and cut his arm, we  got to see how a tourniquet
works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just
food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that
way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our
scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time.  By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some
more  beer. Don't worry about  anything.

We are fine.
Love, Chris