emily's Blog

  Highly functioning people say, "Where I am is fine, but I can grow."

  Found on a bottle of Brut aftershave lotion:

                WARNING:  Flammable until dry.  Do not use when smoking or near fire, flame, or heat.

You spot an attractive person, you splash on a little aftershave, you light up a smoke for that sophisticated look, you -BOOM! - you spend the rest of the night in the burn unit.

  If you expect to be upset, then you'll seldom disappoint yourself.

  The path to the big picture is different for everyone, but the understanding has to be that the big picture is there, and its availability is there.

  Found on a box of Trojan condoms:

                          Any use of Trojan brand latex condoms for other than vaginal intercourse can increase the potential damage to the condom.

  Using Trojan brand latex condoms for anything other than sex indicates that you don't quite understand this product.

  Starvation is part of what the universe is about, but so is my desire to change it.

Found on a public restroom at rest stop along a Wisconsin highway:

                                  DO NOT EAT THE URINAL CAKES.

maybe they shouldn't make them look so much like cheese wheels.

  Neurotics are looking for problems.  They want things to get worse.  They want to be right.

Found on a bottle of Scope mouthwash, which contains alcohol:

                        Do not use in children under six years of age.  Children over six should be supervised.

But a shot of mouthwash before bedtime really puts the kids to sleep in a hurry. 

  Since your mind is your own private territory, you can give any new idea a private audition for a few days.

  You get treated in Life the way you teach people to treat you.

  Healthy thinking is a habit, just like neurotic thinking is a habit.

  You overcome old habits by leaving them behind. 

Found on a package of d-Con Mouse Prufe II mouse poison:

              CAUTION:  May be harmful or fatal if swallowed.

Isn't that the whole idea behind poison.....that it's poison.?

  Love is forgiving...

              and Love is for giving

  The only difference between a flower and a weed is judgment.

  The people who get the most respect in this world are those who are the straightest, even though they often take the most abuse.

  You can attend a beautiful service every Sunday, and you can practice all kinds of Bible saying, you can label yourself with the most fantastic tags that you can come up with, but you won't find your heart in a temple if you don't have a temple in your heart.

  Found on KinderGuard child protection products:

     CAUTION:  This product is designed to help minimize accidents.  Use of this product is not a substitute for adult supervision.

  That's right.  A television is the proper substitute for adult supervision.

  In any relationship in which two people become one, the end result is two half people.

Isolate:  an explanation for extreme tardiness, usually in the form of an excuse.  "Sorry isolate, but I hit a deer on the way here.!"

Goddess:  the future action of a supreme being. " Goddess gonna get you for that."

  If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you're residing on another planet, with a different reality system.

Pumpkin - a declaration about the capabilitiesof a device used for suctional or compressive transfer of liquids or air.

      "No way that little pumpkin fill up these tires."

Grocer - an inquiry regarding the extent of repulsiveness. 

      "Is he grocer what.?"

Found on Axius Sno-Off Auto Windshield cover:

                      CAUTION:  Never drive with the cover on your windshield.

Unless, of course, you cut a big hole in it so you can see. 

  Send out love and harmony, put your mind and body in a peaceful place, and then allow the universe to work in the perfect way it knows how.

Afar - an object in the state of combustion.  "There's no sense bein' this cold - let's build afar."

Alaska - to resolve to make an inquiry. "If I wanna know where to find a polar bear, Alaska guy who lives here."

  There's a big difference between not liking someone's behavior and not liking someone.

Found on a butane lighter:

                          WARNING:  Flame may cause fire.

Similarly, the water emitted from  squirt guns may cause wetness.

  Reexamine the sentence, "Just do your best."    Substitute with "Just do."

Found on a can of Nabisco Easy Cheese:

        For best results, remove cap.

For worse results, hit product repeatedly with a sledgehammer.

  Your opinions are trivial, but your commitments to them make all the difference in the world.

Found on the inside of a pull-top lid of liquid radiator sealant:

              CAUTION: Do not lick lid.

Yeah, but after drinking the entire bottle of radiator sealant, it's hard to contain ourselves.

  If you slip, it doesn't mean you're less valuable.  It simply means you have something to learn from slipping.

Found on Right Guard Sport deodorant:

    WARNING:  Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling contents may be harmful or fatal.

If you're intentionally inhaling spray deodorant, you're probably not reading warning labels with a clear head.

Why sniff aerosol deodorant when you can bake deodorant sticks into brownies?

  The measure of your Life will not be in what you accumulate, but in what you give away.

Found in the instructions for NAPA automotive fan belts:

            CAUTION: Before starting service work, be sure engine is off.

A warning for people who also hate stopping the car to change a flat tire.

  The secret of abundance is to stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and all that you do have.

Found in the instructions of a Murray snow thrower"

                      Do not use snow thrower on surfaces above ground level such as roofs of residences.

Anyone determined to haul a snowblower to the roof of a house has our permission to use it wherever they darn well please.

  The highest form of ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about.

Found on a box containing a VCR"

              Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included

  ALL of us are on our own paths, doing exactly what we know how to do at the moment, given the conditions of our lives.

Found on inside of cabinet door:

        CAUTION: To avoid personal injury and damage to cabinet, do not move the cabinet while in a loaded condition.

Yeah, it's better to wait until you've sobered up.

At the heart of every administration, there is one relationship above all others that shapes history.  Ron and Nancy.  Poppy Bush and James Baker.  Billary.  Cheney & Rummy.

W. is the hood ornament, but Cheney & Rummy are the chittychitty bang bang engine of this administration.

          Maureen Dowd  n.y. times

  If there's a pattern of seeing others as failures, you need to notice this pattern as evidence of what you're attracting into your life.

Found on the handle of a hammer:

  CAUTION:  Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

Such as, perhaps, the head of the idiot  who came up with this warning in the first place?

  There are some people who live 70 years, and there are some people who live one year 70 times, repeating what they're doing over and over in the name of the gold watch or whatever.

Found on instructions for folding up a portable baby carriage:

                        Step 1:  Remove baby

Baby?  Oh my God!  We forgot to put the baby in the carriage!

To appear Monday.  Military newspapers call for Rumseld's resignation.

  Money - like health, love, happiness, and all forms of success that you want to create for yourself -  is the result of living purposefully.  It is not a goal unto itself.

Found on Glade Plug-Ins Night-light Candle Scents:

                        CAUTION: Risk of electrical shock.  This product is not a toy.  It is for adult use only....Keep out of children's reach.

                          So, to keep these night-lights out of children's reach, you'll have to rewire your house so all your electrical outlets are five feet off the ground.

which world leader poses a danger to world peace:

bin laden 87%

bush        75%

jong-II    69%

  Look upon every experience you've ever had, and everyone who's ever played any role in your life, as having been sent to you for your benefit.  In this Universe, there are simply no accidents.

Found on a box of Q-Tips cotton swabs:

          WARNING: Use only as directed.  Entering the ear canal could cause injury.  Keep out of reach of children.

Good warning.  We don't see how anyone could possibly fit into an ear canal without bursting themselves.  If we're not supposed to put them in our ears, what are they for???

  If you play the game of life, know that you'll have plenty of wins and losses, regardless of your talent level.

House Majority Leader John Boehner blames the military for failures in Iraq.

Wonder when he'll apologize.

Found on the instruction sheet of a Conair Pro Style hair dryer

                  WARNING:  do not use in shower, never use while sleeping.

And never  blow-dry your hair while you're sleeping in the shower.

Iraq says it needs $100 Billion in aid-

imagine - just imagine what that kind of money could do to help our children and senior citizens who go to bed hungry.